


Hitchhike and Wild Hearts

by euphoricwinks



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Basketball hottie Guanlin, Guanlin likes Jihoon?, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Jihoon got stuck in the middle of nowhere, Jihoon hates Guanlin so much, Jihoon wants to make Daehwi happy, M/M, PANWINK!, PANWINKK!, PANWINKKK!, Traitor Daehwi, can Guanlin make Jihoon happy, the Jihoon you see might not be the Jihoon you know, what does Jihoon really feel for Guanlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 17:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14265927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoricwinks/pseuds/euphoricwinks
Summary: Jihoon sacrificed his all, even his happiness only to be hurt by the person whom he wants to be the happiest. He was wounded and hurt and most of all, he needs a wild heart. Guanlin have a wild heart.





	Hitchhike and Wild Hearts

_Tell me._  
_If I carve cuts_  
_on my wrists,_  
_can I be finally called_  
_a masterpiece?_

 

“AHHHHHHHH!” Jihoon screamed when he poked his eye for the nth time. He looked at his forefinger only to see that the contact lens is still there. He grunted in disappointment as he opened his eyes wider and attempted to put the lens on again. He felt his finger brush against his eyelashes and in that moment, he knew that he failed again. Feeling defeated, he grabbed his contact lens container and swiftly slid the contact lens inside it.

Jihoon stared at himself in the mirror and let out a soft laugh. _I look stupid,_ he said to his self as he look at the face staring back at him. It is indeed funny, how his right pupil is gray and the other one is black because of his failure in putting on the lens. He reached for his pocket and found something solid against his palm; his lipbalm. Gently and accurately, he dabbed the balm onto his cracked lips. The balm seeped in the cracks in his lips which left a slight sting and for a moment there, he regretted not following the lip care routine his friends taught him.

While he’s slowly brushing the balm on his lips, he heard a honk. It startled him and made him finish preparing thrice faster than how he usually does. With a last glance on the body mirror pinned behind the door of his small yet cozy room, and with a big, fully packed backpack on his back, he sped off to meet his friend outside. However, the tapping sounds that his sneakers made when it met the house’s wooden floor alerted his mom. Out of nowhere, she appeared while wearing her pink polka dots apron and with the strands of her hair escaping from the tight bun on top of her head. Jihoon immediately noticed the three layers of plastic containers she’s holding. She beamed and extended the plastic containers to him. “I prepared clubhouse sandwiches and brownies for you and your friends,” she said sweetly.

Jihoon walked closer to her with his head bowed. Though his mom knows everything already, he still feel ashame in front of his mom. He carefully reached for the containers as he mouthed, “Thanks mom.”

Suddenly, his mom touched his cheek and put his stray forelocks aside so she can fully look in his eyes. Jihoon felt her fingers touch his cheek. His mom’s movement made him stop and catch his breath. The feeling it gave him was unexplainable. It is so relaxing and soothing. It felt as if that one touch can take away all the pain he’s secretly carrying. “You look handsome, honey. It’s my first time seeing you like that and I want you to know that you look beautiful, then and now; with or without your glasses. Just don’t forget to be YOU, okay?” She smiled at him with adoration in her eyes.

Jihoon smiled back at her as he took and carried the plastic containers. The weight of the containers combined with the weight of the backpack hanging on his back was still lighter when compared with the baggage he is carrying inside him. He looked down at his body, inhaling the new identity he have. He looked at the denim tattered jeans he’s wearing for the first time and the big white KNOW YOUR RANK print on his navy blue American Apparel sweatshirt. It’s not him, he knows it himself. “Don’t forget to be YOU.” The words kept on ringing on his head even when he is already opening the door.

Jihoon is already walking in the pathway of his mom’s garden where white daisies are planted neatly when he heard her shout, “Mom loves you.” With that, his eyes automatically fell to his left wrist and felt bad again.

 

  
The door of the sedan opened when he walked in front of it, revealing a smiling boy . Jihoon can see it, the genuine excitement his smile show. He welcomed him with warm bearhug as he ruffle his hair.

You looked at him. There goes his dressing style again. He’s wearing a “Too Broke for Supreme” t-shirt which he tucked in a tattered denim jeans. He’s also wearing a black specs. _His looks today screams Guanlin AGAIN_ , Jihoon whispered to himself. He remembers that outfit. It’s the one Guanlin wore in the mall a day before that.

Daehwi have a big crush on their school’s basketball team ace, Lai Guanlin. Well, almost 60% of the population on that university does. Jihoon felt that feeling again, the feeling of pride that he’s not one of the people who would kill for Guanlin.

There’s a moment of silence as Daehwi eyed the containers in Jihoon’s hand. “Oh, mom prepared sandwiches and brownies,” he said as he entered the sedan and propped the containers in one of the vacant seats.

“Your mom is the best!” Daehwi squealed as he opened one of the containers

Jihoon just smiled, ignored him and put his backpack down as he stretch his arms. It was then when he felt Daehwi’s hand on his shoulder. He faced him with a frown as he flicked his finger on Jihoon’s forehead. It’s a bit painful, like a small electric shock took place, but it’s the kind of pain Jihoon would tolerate. “Silly boy. Go get your contacts. Let me fix your eyes,” she said.

It’s amazing how despite his cuteness and occasional childishness, Daehwi can still act like Jihoon’s older brother who will take care and fight for him. Daehwi treats Jihoon preciously and Jihoon wants to do the same to him because he’s the only person who accepts Jihoon for who he really is. Jihoon reached for his bag where he stashed his contact lens.

 

Daehwi is a mess. Jihoon have no idea that the thought of camping out in the mountains on a weekend could hype him up that much. Daehwi is singing along to the top of their lungs while he’s driving.

Despite Daehwi’s loudness, he feels drowsy as his eyelids are getting heavier. He removed his sneakers revealing his blue socks with spaceship prints. He carefully laid his sneakers down under his seat and piled the bags on one side to make them his pillows. Like a boulder falling from the mountain top, he lied comfortably in the small seat. This is Jihoon’s special talent, falling asleep in the midst of the mayhem. His body, still tensed with his awkward position in the narrow seat of the moving sedan started to relax as he gave in to his sleepiness. But as if on cue, one of his pillows started to vibrate waking him up. Without thinking, he slid his hands inside the vibrating bag. At first, he had a hard time locating the vibrating thing because there are lots of stuffs inside.

When Jihoon finally found it, telling by the wallpaper which is of course, a boyfriend photo of Kuanlin, he learned that it is Daehwi’s phone and not his’. He lazily raised his hand up with the phone in his hand. With one eye open, Jihoon checked who the caller is. “Heart emoji is calling,” he said with lackluster oozing from his every word.

Still hyped up, Daehwi retorted. “Can you please answer it for me?”

Like an old man whose joints are already rusty, he sat up and put the phone on his ear. “Hello?”

Jihoon noted that the voice in the other line is soft and feminine as soon as she spoke. “Hey Daehwi? How’s the plan going?“ The voice in the other line giggled. ihoon don’t know why but he have a bad feeling about this.

With a frown and with voice almost shaking, he asked her, “What plan?” curiosity is evident with his every word.

“The plan? You told me you’re going to confront Jihoon’s famewhore ass? You like him a lot but he’s gotten to your nerves huh? HAHAHA, you’re even taking him to a camping to tell him what kind of parasite he is. He’s really riding to the popular ones’ fame eww! As if everyone will forget that he’s just a gross nerd! I bet—“

Jihoon didn’t let her finish. He ended the call as he faced Daehwi. Jihoon can’t picture Daehwi well because his sight is clouded with tears.

“Daehwi. Stop. The. Car.”

 

 

Jihoon watched as the sedan drove off stirring up all the dust on the road. His knees, shaking with exhaustion started to melt down so he sat recklessly in the ground. The movement he made caused rustling sounds as his body collided with the withered leaves on the ground. Jihoon looked up in the sky and bit his lips in attempt to stop that “thing” from happening. _Oh no... no... don’t... Just this time , I will be a real man,_ he whispered to himself when he felt it coming. He bit his lips more. If it was a normal day, he would’ve been flinching from the pain but today is exceptional because today, Jihoon is numb. He felt something hot gushing from his lips and as soon as he tasted the taste of metal on his tongue, he knew that it is blood.

He cannot hold it anymore. He can’t hide it. Jihoon let out a loud sob; a sob of disbelief, of confusion, of disappointment and most of all, a sob of heartbreak. His heart wretched at the thought of what happened a while ago. With one hand, he clenched your chest only to be regretful upon touching the necklace hanging on his neck. You played it with his finger, feeling it’s solidness and it’s coldness against his skin and without reluctance, he tugged it from his neck breaking the chains that binds its entirety.

Jihoon stared at it as if it’s a specimen under the microscope. The necklace feels like a bullet to him, a souvenir of his stupidness. He cupped the necklace and brought it closer to his lips. As if it has a life and can comprehend, he whispered to it. “How can you do that to me? Of all people, why does it have to be you who’ll treat me like shit? I thought we’re friends, I thought I’m a part of your little world? I gave up things for you. I sacrificed my own happiness for you, but your kindness? Was it all for a show? Fuck it. Go enjoy your camping yourself,” he spat as if he’s spitting acids.

Jihoon clenched your fists with the necklace inside it and positioned his hand in a throwing position. However, before he threw it, all the good memories he created with Daehwi flashed in his mind. Jihoon knows that he should not do this. He should not throw that promise necklace because after all, that boy have been a part of his life and to be honest, he’s a good one.

Jihoon threw the necklace inside the small duffel bag that he managed to bring. Unfortunately, because of his sudden outburst, he only managed to bring a small duffel bag before he walked out of the sedan leaving Daehwi teary-eyed and probably as upset as he is.

He sniffed and searched for his phone. As soon as his hand is clutching the phone, he dialed his mom’s number. He’s boiling inside and all that he wants to do right now is go home, bury his self in his soft, warm bed and cry his eyes out in his pillow knowing that it’s the only real friend he have.

But, he let out another grunt of exasperation when he noticed that the signal bar is as empty. Jihoon jumped up and down with tears racing on his face. He may look stupid at the moment but he couldn’t care less. This is what he needs, to desperately pour his anger out. Without any concrete reason, Jihoon picked up a handful of dried leaves and threw it in the air like confettis. That felt good, he said to his self. Again, he picked up leaves, this time twice as many as the first one. Jihoon threw it and watched as each leaf danced in the air before gracefully touching the ground.

Suddenly, the dancing leaves that left him grounded flew recklessly in the wind. He gasped at the sight and gasped again when he realized that the leaves were stirred up a passing car. That’s the only time when he realized that he needs to hitchhike to go home.

Jihoon’s right palm automatically flew to his forehead in disappointment. He melted in his seat as he digest his stupidness. Jihoon mentally stabbed his self for not being alert on a very crucial time like this. He threw his hands up in defeat as he carelessly threw his body in the pile of leaves. It’s itchy but comforting. He closed his eyes trying to breathe in the nature around him. But not a minute after, his eyes flew open again as he heard a car engine approaching.

Without second thoughts, Jihoon stood up and run to the middle of the road with his hands up and waving. The blue car approached him rapidly that his heart started to pump mercilessly and almost painful. The fear that he didn’t thought of about when he ran to the road is starting to grow now. _What if he won’t stop? What if he ran over me? Will people find my body in this almost deserted road?_ Questions ran in his mind unceasingly.

He saw it, he saw his death coming as the car engulfed the short distance. He wanted to scream but he don’t have the strength to. When a the distance between him and the car is only like a feet or two, the car suddenly went on a full stop.

Jihoon raised his head with pride as if he’s a brave person, as if he’s not scared a moment ago. In a loud voice, he stated, “Let me ride with you.”

However, Jihoon suddenly regretted saying those words as the windows rolled down revealing a boy. Jihoon caught his breath as the boy’s every word escaped his mouth. “Come on, jump in.”

The world seemed to spin under Jihoon’s feet and his heart starts on pumping wildly, well, wilder than how it thumped when he’s on the brink of death. Unbelievably, it got wilder when the boy smiled, a wonderful gummy smile.

There he is, Lai Guanlin.

 

  
It’s already almost half an hour since Jihoon got inside Guanlin’s blue SUV but the atmosphere inside is still awkward. Though Jihoon can rate Guanlin’s car’s air conditioning system 9 out 10, his face still feels hot. His arms are still limped and twitching because of Guanlin’s touch.

_Jihoon is standing in the middle of the road blanked out. He knows he should not feel bothered or upset because it’s just Guanlin, just Guanlin._

_Well not, THAT’S GUANLIN._

_That’s the guy who scored 3/4 of your basketball team’s winning points in the last championship . That’s the boy who can make the room hyped up and noisy with his just mere presence. That’s the boy who turned Jihoon’s schoolmates into his fangirls._

_Noticing Jihoon’s non-motility, Guanlin honked to wake him up from whatever’s floating in his head. “I said, get in,” he’s voice oozing with authority._

_Jihoon squinted at the sound of his voice and for a moment there, he ran out of words. “I-I’m sorry. I’m mistaken, I don’t want to hitchhike in your ride. Ha ha ha.” He awkwardly took sidesteps to get the fuck away from the road to let Guanlin pass._

_Thinking that Guanlin left already, Jihoon sat on the ground and started to play with the leaves under his feet. He just need to wait for another car to pass and he can finally go home and watch tear-jerking dramas so he can have a reason to cry without anyone asking him why._ “Well, waiting for a little bit more won’t hurt.”

_Suddenly, Jihoon saw a pair of Converse sneakers. His eyes travelled from the sneakers to the faded ripped jeans to the mint green hoodie to the dangling dog tags to the face; HIS face. Jihoon covered his eyes not because the sun is blinding him, but because Guanlin is brighter than the sun. Guanlin is so gorgeous that he is burning Jihoon’s eyes. Then, Jihoon felt Guanlin’s steady hand in his arm as he gently tugged him and help him stood up. After that, Guanlin dragged him to his car and swiftly opened the door to the passenger side and slightly pushed Jihoon inside. He fell frozen; unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to comprehend. His heart, as opposed to what happened earlier seemed to stop beating._

_A while later, the car drove off._

It’s already almost half an hour since Jihoon got inside Guanlin’s blue SUV but the atmosphere inside is still growing awkward. Guanlin scoffed, drawing Jihoon’s attention from the trees they’re passing by. “Are you normally this quiet?”

“Nope.”

Guanlin then faced Jihoon. Guanlin’s gaze sent hundreds of voltages to Jihoon’s spine. He’s not supposed to feel like this and he’s normally not like this. “Then talk,” Guanlin demanded as he held the steering wheel with only one hand.

The sight looks cool; Guanlin in his normal fashionista self with a smirk on his face and hand in the steering wheel while the sun is kissing his skin. If only Jihoon is one of the avid fangirls who are always updated with all the happenings in Guanlin’s life, he would’ve shrieked already while taking pictures of him to brag about in SNS. But he’s not and will not.

Jihoon feel Guanlin’s intimidating yet warm gaze piercing through him so he bowed his head while saying, “Can you please look at the road? I don’t want an accident to happen, I still value my life.” It almost sound like an inaudible whisper but Guanlin must’ve been listening really well to hear it.

“Oh. I’m sorry. I got drunk on the magnificent view right there,” Guanlin said casually while taking his gaze back on the road.

Jihoon felt his cheeks start to burn. He’s starting to wonder what Lai fucking Guanlin is doing right there. _Hey stupid! Don’t believe him! Don’t bite his bait! Can’t you see that he is covered by the popular boy bubble? There’s no way you can pass through it. You’re just a normal boy whose existence isn’t even recognized by everyone. He’s just trying to flirt with you! Wait, is he? Ugh, either ways, he just want an addition to his trophies and you’re that trophy. You’re not an object! Don’t let him,_  Jihoon shouted to his self.

Jihoon have no feelings for Guanlin or maybe he just thought that he don’t, but either ways, the thought of Guanlin playing with his heart gave him a feeling like an arrow pierced through his heart. The pain is excruciating as if an ice cold metal is touching Jihoon’s bare flesh. He shifted in his seat and set the duffel bag down. Even though Jihoon is not looking at Guanlin, he can feel that he is watching his every move like a spectator. Jihoon turned his back on him, set his arms as pillows and intently closed his eyes. “I’m taking a nap. Wake me up as soon as we get home.”

Jihoon would rather sleep than listen to Guanlin spit sugarcoated words at him. Jihoon likes the thought of someone complimenting him, especially if it’s someone like Guanlin, but he don’t want be played at. He’s not a ball, he’s a person and in this case, an intellectual one so he won’t fall for shitty traps like this because he knows better.

“Can I play some music?” Guanlin asked but instead of replying, Jihoon just pretended that he’s already asleep.

 

  
Jihoon was woken up by the cool breeze kissing his cheeks. As he usually does, he stretched his arms and legs only to find himself strained by a seatbelt. He then remembered what happened that day and he instantly feels really sad. Only later did he realized that the car is no longer moving and that the seat behind him is already empty.

Jihoon unlocked his seatbelt, jumped out of the car and wandered his eyes as far as it can. Apparently, Jihoon is standing in a cliff as orange blankets started to embrace the blue sky. From where Jihoon is standing, he can see everything; How all the trees and the leaves look golden as the golden sunrays wash their surfaces and how birds play in the air as if it’s their playground. The breeze is chilly and almost sweet. Its every touch on his skin lingers there for a while which is really refreshing and uplifting. Jihoon wants to capture the moment so he took out his phone. One click, two clicks, three clicks, but he still don’t feel satisfied. He’s disappointed on how the camera can’t capture that perfect moment just like how his eyes can.

“Do you want me to take your picture? It’s the golden hour. It’s the perfect time to take pictures,” a voice said out of nowhere.

Jihoon got startled and dropped his phone. The owner of the voice, who turns out to be Guanlin picked it up for him. Jihoon just stared at him; how perfect his skin looks as the golden light kisses it, how round his bright eyes are, how red his plump lips are and how firm his hand looks while it’s holding a can of soda.

Guanlin extended his hand that it almost brushed against Jihoon’s cheek. “Aren’t you going to get your phone? Are you giving it to me?” he said jokingly as he waved the phone in front of Jihoon’s face.

Jihoon felt as if he was woken up from his fantasy, but for Jihoon, it isn’t a fantasy, and if he’ll ever have one, Guanlin will never be a part of it. He snatched the phone from Guanlin’s hand but their skin still managed to touch. Jihoon and Guanlin both paused for a moment; Jihoon is looking at his hand while Guanlin is looking at Jihoon. The air surrounding both of them got heavy and the awkwardness starts to grow. Jihoon can’t help but appreciate how warm and welcoming Guanlin’s hand is and he felt like he wanted to touch it again, and this time longer than the first one.

They stayed like that for almost a minute until Guanlin broke the silence. “Uh, do you want something to drink or eat? I packed,” he said. Jihoon noticed how Guanlin’s voice shook but he decided to ignored it. “I must be imagining things”, he whispered as he pinched his arm to wake himself up from that dream.

“Pardon?” Guanlin retorted with a frown on his face.

Jihoon panicked at the thought that Guanlin heard what he said but by the look on Guanlin’s face, he could tell that he’s safe. “I said, no thanks. I’m not hungry.”

Jihoon started to walk around trying to look for something to sit on without throwing a glance at Guanlin. Guanlin must’ve noticed him because he offered his car’s hood to be his seat. Jihoon don’t want to sit there but because he’s feeling tired, he did.

Jihoon breathed the view in front of him. He wants to remember that moment, being in that beautiful place with a beautiful person. To be honest, the view is just the normal view of a green mountainous terrain but how the orange streaks cut through the almost dark blue sky and the person beside him made it exquisite.

Jihoon felt the the car dipped slightly signaling that Guanlin must’ve sat there too. Jihoon tried his best not to look at him as an advance defense to the stupid flowery stuffs Guanlin would throw at him. He felt a tap on his arm and a few seconds later, a can of fruit soda is already on his face. “My parents still don’t allow me to drink anything with alcohol so, that’s the only drink I can offer you,” Guanlin said before sipping on his own soda.

Jihoon took the soda from him but only placed it on his side without actually opening it. He doesn’t want to take in anything that’s from Guanlin. Jihoon is a sentimental person and he is aware that if he drinks it, he’ll remember Guanlin whenever he sees or drinks that soda.

Guanlin cleared his throat and inched closer to Jihoon. Jihoon is not looking at Guanlin but he knows because aside from the movement caused by that to the car, Jihoon can sense Guanlin’s presence on his skin as if they are touching one another. “Since, you’re not talking, let me start this conversation then. First, you tagged along with me, so a proper introduction could be helpful.” There it is again, the wrinkles on the side of his eyes that only appears whenever he’s smiling and Jihoon feels weak just by the sight of it. He offered his hands to Jihoon. “I’m Lai G-“

“Guanlin. Lai Guanlin, I know. Everyone in the school knows. You’re in the popular kids bubble, you know? Everyone have their eyes on you,” Jihoon cut him off, sarcasm is reeking in his every word.

Guanlin’s hand retreated and Jihoon felt a little ache in his heart when he did it. Jihoon wanted to touch his hand, to feel it’s warmth and softness but now, he can’t and even if he’ll have the chance again to do it , he won’t.

Instead of being insulted, Guanlin moved closer to Jihoon with a little smile playing on his lips. “Does that mean that you have your eyes on me too, Jihoon?” he said mockingly.

Jihoon was taken aback when his name escaped from Guanlin’s lips. He wanted to give him a counter attack to shut him up but he can’t. With his heart pounding as hell, he can’t. He wanted to say “no” or “never” or “in your dreams” but Jihoon’s head starts to malfunction and he’s afraid that he can’t control his self and say “yes, always.” Instead, all he said is, “Wait, where are we? The sun is setting, why aren’t we going home?”

Guanlin stretched his arms and legs as he coolly lie in the car’s hood. With a smile on his face, he looked at Jihoon. “Well, welcome to my secret hideout. I always go to this place whenever I can. Not that I’m not grateful but you know, sometimes I get suffocated with all the people shoving their selves to me,” he said and Jihoon can’t help notice how Guanlin sounds tired as he said his last words.

Jihoon just sat still and staring. He never thought that Guanlin have this nonmaterialistic side. He always thought that Guanlin only loves playing and hanging out with his friends in crowded places where he can gain more popularity. The truth is, Jihoon used to see Guanlin as a famewhore but it seems like Jihoon is somewhat wrong.

Guanlin suddenly jumped up and walked to a dead tree. He touched its body gently and with affection. “You see this tree, Jihoon? This one is my favorite. You might think that it’s already dead but during summer, its leaves start to grow and its flowers start to bud. It bear beautiful yellow flowers. It’s lovely,” he said with his hand and eyes still on the tree.

Jihoon just stared there, amazed. The Guanlin he’s seeing now is different from the Guanlin he thought he knew. “You must’ve liked this place so much,” Jihoon said softly.

“Yes, I do. A lot,” he answered. He then left the tree and walked back at Jihoon. “How about you Jihoon, do you like someone?” he suddenly asked.

Jihoon got shocked by Guanlin’s sudden question. He’s not ready for it and he felt like he’s caught red handed. Jihoon stayed quiet for a while. He knows that it’s not his obligation to answer Guanlin’s question but somehow, he closed his eyes and tried to look for answers himself. “No.” A lie. “I never liked someone.” Another lie.

Guanlin suddenly looked so jolly. Even though Jihoon’s face is blank, he’s celebrating inside. He love how Guanlin reacts and he loves how happy Guanlin looks but he doesn’t show it.

Guanlin sat closer to Jihoon and he’s so close that Jihoon can smell his minty perfume. He smells so good and his smell left traces on his nostrils; traces that Jihoon wished could stay there longer.

“How about me, Jihoon? Aren’t you going to ask me if I like someone?”

_what the actual fuck..._

Jihoon felt hot suddenly and he finds it difficult to breathe as if he’s being choked. A part of him is dying to know who the person Guanlin likes is but a part of him is also scared. That day has already been tough to Jihoon and if asking Guanlin the question Guanlin wants to hear can bring him another heartbreak, then Jihoon refuses to do it.

“The sun is almost down Guanlin, let’s go home,” Jihoon said instead as he stand up and head inside the car. He adjusted his seat and closed his eyes.

Through his closed eyes, Jihoon heard Guanlin knocked on the window. He opened his eyes again and met Guanlin’s. Looking straight at Guanlin’s eyes makes Jihoon uneasy. It makes his heart thump a thousand times louder, makes his head spin like hell and make him feel like he’s flying.

“We can’t go home now, Jihoon. I still have things to do,” Guanlin said and he head to his car’s trunk.

“I want to go home already. I can’t handle you, Lai Kuanlin,” Jihoon whispered as he covered his eyes with his hands and sighed in confusion.

 

 

From the hood of Guanlin’s car, Jihoon is watching as Guanlin makes a fire. There are twinkles in Guanlin’s eyes as he do it and Jihoon realized that Guanlin must’ve been an outdoor person. It seems like he loves what he is doing, and Jihoon can’t help but wish that he brought a paper and pencil to sketch that beautiful sight. The truth is, Jihoon insisted on going home but Guanlin says otherwise. It turns out that Guanlin already planned to camp out even before Jihoon hitchhiked which means, Jihoon is out of the plan and Jihoon can’t do anything about it.

They just stayed quiet as Guanlin stuck marshmallows on sticks. The only thing they can hear are the crackling of the woods as the flames of fire devours it and the sound of the cicadas fill the night breeze. The harmony they created sounds like music to Jihoon’s ear and probably to Guanlin’s too. Guanlin stood up, walked to where Jihoon is, held his arm and pulls him closer to the fire before handing him a stick of marshmallows.

Trying to avoid Guanlin’s gaze, Jihoon examined the marshmallows in his hand and smiled to his self because he finds it cute how they look like skewers. “Jihoon, are you sure that you know who the person I like is?” Guanlin said with his voice almost cracking. Jihoon just stared at Guanlin, how Guanlin involuntarily lick his lips, how a few strands of his hair fall on his forehead and how magnificently and keenly made his facial features are.

Jihoon shifted and tried to ignore him but he can’t. “Sorry. Not interested,” he said coldly though his mind screams the opposite.

Jihoon squinted when Guanlin suddenly dropped his marshmallows on the fire as he faced Jihoon. Seeing him face to face like that made Jihoon realize that he is beyond beautiful, almost unreal, ethereal, out of this world and somewhat scary. With his head bent down and shoulders slouched Guanlin whispered, “Jihoon, I like you. You’re the person I like.”

Jihoon’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped. He got paralyzed with Guanlin’s sudden exposé. Thinking that he might have heard Guanlin wrong, Jihoon was about to ask him what he meant but Guanlin, as if he can read Jihoon’s mind and see through him, spoke again; this time a bit louder. “I like you very much.”

Jihoon’s heart started to pound unbelievably loud as if someone is dribbling a basketball inside him while skipping beats from time to time. He finds it hard to breathe too. His mind kept on floating on the night sky above him. But with his sweaty palms, he wiped off his thoughts. No matter how he like the thought of Guanlin liking him, he just can’t accept it. It can’t be.

Jihoon snorted. “Don’t fuck with me, Guanlin. You’re straight,” he said while putting stresses on each word to emphasize them. He just can’t let it go. He can feel the once butterflies in his stomach turn into wasps.

Jihoon stood up abruptly as he threw the marshmallows. “I’m going home. Stay here if you want but I’m going. Thanks for the ride,” Jihoon’s words are overflowing with sarcasm. He can’t take it anymore.

Guanlin stood up too. He caught Jihoon’s arm and held it to stop him from leaving. The look on Guanlin’s face is unexplainable; as if he heard something ridiculous and he can’t believe he heard it. “Jihoon,” he said with adequate softness to make Jihoon look at him. “Listen to me. Everyone knows that I’m bisexual. How come you dont know that?”

Jihoon’s heart shrank; he can’t believe what he just heard. He wants to quietly rejoice with what Guanlin said but he wont because he “don’t have feelings for Lai Guanlin and he don’t give sht.” Aside from that, Jihoon can’t trust what Guanlin said for Guanlin have been dating girls all this time, not that he’s observing Guanlin, he just know.

Jihoon flung his arm to set it loose from Guanlin’s hold. He distanced his self, crossed his arm and put on his defense stance; chins up. “You dare lie to my face? Bisexual? Come on, find someone to play with, someone who’s not me. You’ve been dating girls ONLY.” Jihoon doesn’t even know if he still makes sense but no matter how hopeless he sounds, he knows that Guanlin can understand him.

“You date people because you like them, Jihoon.” There is a change in Guanlin’s tone. His voice though still calm sounds like thunder that Jihoon secretly flinched. “I dated those girls because I like them, that’s common sense. And I’ve never dated boys before because my feelings for them are not enough for me to ask them out; that’s another common sense—” Guanlin suddenly paused. His expressions became softer and by the looks on his shoulder, it can be seen that his tensed body is now relaxing. “Well, except for one boy whom I really like but can’t approach. I can’t tell him what I really feel for him because I’m afraid that he might reject me, which is basically happening right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I really like you. A LOT.”

Jihoon snorted. He can’t believe what he is hearing. He felt an itch on his fist, like it is looking for something solid to hit, something that can ache, something that can make him feel something rather than supreme annoyance. He didn’t know that Guanlin could be a big douchebag.

Jihoon looked at him fiercely then clenched his fist very tight that he felt the flow of his blood almost stopped. “Oh, Guanlin, I’m loving this game. Come on, tell me more,” he said through clenched teeth.

“I like you a lot, Jihoon. I’m telling you nothing but the truth. I have feelings for you for a long time already. You are kind to everyone, intelligent—“

Guanlin didn’t finish what he was saying because in the middle of his confession, Jihoon’s solid punch landed on his cheek just beside his lips. Guanlin’s pinkish lips became tainted with deep red blood. Jihoon is fuming mad at Guanlin for making up lies just to get Jihoon. Well, Jihoon is not really a hard one, he is an intellectual one who knows when he is being taken seriously or being played at.

“Stop lying, Guanlin. I’m a hard one to crack. No matter what you do, you can’t make me believe you. why won’t just play with someone else? I have no time. I need to go home.”

“Jihoon, just give me a chance to prove you that I’m not lying,” Guanlin said while wiping the blood off of his lips. With that, he stood up crankily that he almost stumbled and ran to his car; to the backseat where he took out a small black pouch.

He handed the pouch to Jihoon. With his nerves still beating with anger, Jihoon almost ripped the pouch only to be utterly speechless with what he saw inside. He touched the metal frame inside it with his forefinger, each stroke makes him more nostalgic. His hands are shaking as he remove his old specs from the pouch; the same specs he used to wear before he “transformed” into someone else and the same specs that he threw on the trash bin behind their school cafeteria almost a year ago. Jihoon thought it was lost for good and he’ll never see it again, but seeing it like that, cold and firm against his palm makes him miss his old self.

“My specs, why do you have it?” he asked without tearing his eyes off his old friend.

Guanlin breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing Jihoon’s calm voice. “I told you, I like you so much for a long time already. I have been keeping my eyes on you without you noticing. I was with you in your journey; from being a nobody to being a somebody.” Guanlin threw a glance at Jihoon and seeing the latter one seemed to calm down as he talks, he continued. “Jihoon, I was with you all these time, from the time you had your gender crisis to the time you accepted to yourself that you are gay and I’ll still be here until the time that you open yourself up to the world. Jihoon, you don’t have to ‘need’ me, I just want you to let me in, to let me be the one who’ll pick you up when you fall.”

Jihoon felt so touched that his eyes welled with tears but he tries his best not to let it fall not because he don’t want Guanlin to see him let his guard down but because he don’t want to ruin that wonderful moment. Jihoon wanted to say something in return but he got speechless with what he heard. His heart felt warm and touched because of those wonderful words. For the first time, he felt like he is accepted, like someone finally understands him. Jihoon wants to voice out all the words inside his mind but he can’t put it into words so instead of replying, he searched the pouch again. He almost gave up searching inside the pouch when he touched something. Jihoon took it out and it took him a moment to realize what is inside the small packet. It is a small chicken leg-shaped milk chocolate. The familiar look made him euphoric. It made him remember the taste and feeling of bliss that chocolate brings him whenever it melts in his tongue.

It reminds him of the days when he is still a nobody; the days when that chocolate is all he have.

Back to the days when he is still a nobody; when he eats in the loser’s table in the cafeteria, when he studies alone in the library, when his phone and inbox are drier than the Sahara desert, practically to the days when he is someone who exists but is invisible to everyone. During that time, Jihoon felt alone the most like everyone around him have ears but don’t have the ability to listen. He don’t even know his self back then and he don’t even care about his looks; how thick is glasses are and how reddish his face is because of zits. Jihoon felt really weak back then and he have that feeling like the real Jihoon is not the Jihoon he knows. He hated his self for liking things and people he shouldn’t like, in short he hated his self for being gay and he can’t accept it himself. He tried to tell the world, his mom and his self that everything is going to be okay, that sometimes it is normal to feel that you’re not normal, but instead of grasping all the opportunities to be true to himself and to the people around him, he grasp a rusty cutter he found in the bottom of his school bag and made it violently kiss the tender flesh on his left wrist.

The feeling is still fresh to Jihoon, how the mere cold touch of the blade against his skin stings. He also remember how every stroke made him feel a lot better and how the blood gushing from each cut gave a little color to his dull existence. These things that he did to his body, refreshes his tired mind and he keeps on repetitively telling his self that he’s not killing himself, not yet, instead these things resurrected the living Jihoon within him because it made him feel something even if it’s pain.

However, his resurrecting pill took a new form of a chicken leg-shaped milk chocolate that appears on his school bag whenever he opens it at home, after school. It’s the thing that gave him hope, that someone out there appreciates him and maybe, just maybe, loves him. And for that reason, he started to change for the better. He became more confident and closer to accepting his real identity as he slowly change his appearance, starting from the eyeglasses.

Then it dawned at him... Jihoon can’t find that chocolate anywhere. It’s not sold in any pastry shop or mall or supermarket but Guanlin have it. It’s possible Guanlin is the person who gives him the chocolates.

With voice shaking, Jihoon said, “Did you—“

Guanlin didn’t let him finish, “I made it myself.”

With that, Jihoon fell on the ground as his knees started to melt. Guanlin is that person. Guanlin is the one who kept him grounded and the one who gave him a reason to keep living.

Guanlin, the person who he kept on pushing out of his mind is that person all along... all along.

 

  
“Stop moving!” Jihoon yelled as he flicked his finger on Guanlin’s forehead. The latter one grunted with the ticklish pain on his forehead. Jihoon stared and cracked a little smile as he saw that the part he flicked on gets redder like cherry.

Jihoon is disinfecting the side of Guanlin’s lips where his square punch landed. “Just take it slowly, Jihoon. It stings,” Guanlin said through gritted teeth. After that, Guanlin closed eyes in anticipation for the next sting. But instead of applying more medicine, Jihoon just stared at Guanlin’s angelic bare face. Jihoon still felt overwhelmed with everything that’s happening at the moment. He secretly pinched his pinky finger to wake himself up if ever that is a dream, but he is awake, the pain of his pinch tells him so.

Guanlin suddenly opened his eyes and smiled at Jihoon revealing his cute little dimple on his left cheek. Jihoon felt attacked and he suddenly felt the urge to kiss it. “I think you’re done,” Guanlin said breaking Jihoon’s thought.

Jihoon, eyes still widened, slowly nodded. He still can’t get over with the sudden cute sight and he can feel his heart screaming and jumping up and down inside his rib cage.

Guanlin suddenly stood up and put on a curious face. His eyes kept on looking everywhere as if he is searching for something through the darkness of the night. Jihoon being his self got surprised again and he held his chest to stop his heart from roaring. One more surprise and it’ll be over for me...

“Can you hear it, Jihoon?” Guanlin asked with authentic curiosity.

“The what?”

“The music,” Guanlin replied as he paint a new smile on his face as if he found what he is looking for.

“Guanlin, are you crazy?”

“...for you? Yes, I am. I am, Jihoon.”

Jihoon massaged his temple. This is too much for him, for his heart and for his whole being. Not that he hates the feeling, he loves it but he still can’t believe everything. It’s as if he is living one of his dreams.

Before Jihoon even replied, Guanlin held his hands and pulled him closer to the fire. Guanlin, with his amazing body proportions towered over Jihoon as they stare at each other’s eyes. However, Guanlin is the first one who broke the gaze when he ran back to the car leaving Jihoon wondering what the heck is happening.

A few moments later, Guanlin came back with a shiny thing on his hand. It’s Jihoon’s glasses, Jihoon found out when Guanlin put it on him. Jihoon just stared still wondering. “There you go. You look more handsome with that on,” Guanlin said while fixing the glasses on Jihoon.

With that, Jihoon unconsciously touched the frame of the glasses but Guanlin stopped him as he intertwined his fingers with Jihoon’s. He then pulled Jihoon closer to him as he put his hand on Jihoon’s waist.

Guanlin closed his eyes and leaned closer to Jihoon. His face moved closer and closer that Jihoon loses his breath as he felt Guanlin’s breath warm against his cheekbone. Their lips we’re only a few centimeters away when Guanlin...

started to sing.

“ _Tonight we’ll dance_  
_I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine_  
_We won’t look back_  
_Take my hand and we will shine_  
_Oh oh oh, you need a wild heart_  
_You need a wild heart_  
_I’ve got a wild heart”_

Guanlin’s voice is so sweet that it makes Jihoon feel sleepy and at peace as if he finally found his home. After singing, Guanlin held Jihoon’s left hand and brought it closer to his lips.

“You won’t ever hurt anymore,” Guanlin whispered before planting a kiss on the marks of the cut Jihoon carved on his left wrist.

“Guanlin, give me your wild heart,” Jihoon whispered as he buried his face in Guanlin’s chest.

Jihoon don’t want the ride to end. Maybe he don’t want to go home. Or maybe, Guanlin is his home.

 

 

Jihoon didn’t want that night to end and to be separated from Guanlin but everything have its end. The dawn is breaking and the sunrays starts to cut through the morning sky when Guanlin left Jihoon in his house’s doorstep. Guanlin waved at him and left him with a wink before he sped off.

With a smile in his face Jihoon searched through his mom’s daisies to find the hidden spare key because he don’t want to wake his mom up yet. But when he opened the door, a warm hug was the first thing that welcomed him. “Ahh I miss you so much.”

“Mom, I can’t breathe!” Jihoon complained while being crushed by his mom’s hug.

At that point, Jihoon’s mom let him go and held him on both of his shoulders while shaking him. “Jihoon!! Honey, who’s that cute guy?!” Jihoon’s mom squealed as if she’s a teenager going through her puberty.

“That’s just Guanlin, Mom,” Jihoon answered embarrassed.

“Ahhh! Go to your room and get changed. After that, let’s get breakfast together. We have a lot of catching up to do.” After saying it, Jihoon’s mom winked at him and started to merrily run to the kitchen.

Why are they all winking? Jihoon asked his self.

As soon as his mom left, Jihoon rushed to his room and jumped directly to his bed. He crouched and started to rummage through his stuffs under it. For the first fifteen minutes, Jihoon only found dusts, empty chip wrappers, crumpled papers and old notebooks that made his hands sticky. He is just a thread closer to giving up when his hand touched something familiar at the farthest part of his bed. He pulled it and almost jumped with glee when he confirmed that it’s what he’s looking for; his favorite book.

Jihoon checked each page and found out that love letters are still tucked in between pages. Love letters that he never sent to the person who owned his heart, love letters for Guanlin.

While checking the pages, a photo of Guanlin on his basketball tryout fell. Jihoon got nostalgic as he reminisced everything. He remember falling in love with Guanlin at first sight when the guy borrowed his pen in the first day of class. He remember how he can’t take his eyes off Guanlin as he dribbles the ball and as his sweat raced down his forehead. He remember wanting to wipe those sweat off while giving him water to drink. He remember getting confused with what he is feeling. He remember convincing his self that he is a a real man as he distance himself from Guanlin because he feels that he is falling deeper in love with him. He remember the butterflies in his stomach whisper to him that he should confess. He remember writing tons of love letters to express his love for Guanlin. And on the day that he was about to confess, he remember his best friend, Daehwi confessed to him that he is smitten with Guanlin. He also remember how broken he felt when he decided to give his feelings up for Guanlin for the sake of Daehwi’s happiness. He remember how hard he cried when he tucked each letter and pictures in between the pages of his book. He tried to throw the book in the trash but he remember how weak he is to do it so he just left it under his bed. He remember how he forgot that the book is still there. He remember how thirsty he got for self-acceptance that he forgot his feelings for Guanlin.

But from now on, he will remember every single thing, every memory that he and Guanlin will create together. He held Guanlin’s picture and said to it, “This time, I won’t give you up. I will fight for you. I’ll keep your wild heart mine.”

GUANLIN, THIS TIME, YOU ARE MINE.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! If you wanna know what happened to Daehwi, I wrote another fic that I’ll post later, “Dark Melodies.” Please look forward to it!


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